Living Life As Erik...

Sometimes I get this notion or idea that I could potentially meet the girl of my dreams at the bar tonight. But then I remember that the girl of my dreams isn’t sitting at some sticky bar shooting 649’s bottoms up being hit on sketchy guys. The woman of my dreams is in bed watching a movie after a long week at work/ school. The woman of my dreams is spending time with her friends and family this weekend and not wasting it away. The woman of my dreams is waiting for that next adventure but will find her own if she has to. You see the woman of my dreams isn’t at some bar, but hopefully thinking that somewhere, somehow, I’m thinking of her too.

I find I make things a lot more complicated than they really are. If everyone really thought about it, I’m sure there would be one person you would want to tell how you truly felt about them right now. If we could risk it all without the fear of knowing what the other person felt, would you do it? Seems like the obvious answer would be yes but in real life though, it’s all a catch twenty-two. To not tell that person how you feel means having to risk someone else possibly having a chance with them, and to tell them means risking it all and possibly ending a strong friendship. If things were as easy as I would like them to be, I wouldn’t be writing this and certainly wouldn’t be in this predicament…

I tend to make a lot of something’s from nothing. Although a lot of those are negative, I tend to create a few positive somethings. Sometimes I think a vast majority comes from over thinking and I will be the first to admit my mind can run a million miles an hour on a simple thought. It’s the thought of myself turning something so simple into something so complex that frustrates me. It is unecessary and so uncalled for. I wish things could always be so simple as knowing what’s best and making a decision. I wish I could know what she was thinking so I wouldn’t have to stand here like an asshole waiting for some sort of sign. It’s hard to not think when she’s been all you have been thinking about. If she thought and felt the same way I do, then I could be creating something from nothing but until then it’s just nothing… 

For the past couple of months my heart has felt numb. I haven’t taken opportunities to give my heart to people who have tried to give me their heart. I’ve been in coma state for the longest time and although it’s helped to figure out what I want and where I am in life, I feel like a lot of that feeling is coming back because of a particular feeling towards a certain person. It’s like when your arm falls asleep and it’s numb, but when you wake it up you get that tingly feeling inside. She’s waking me up inside. I’m feeling a little vulnerable but I think it’s only natural when you want to give your heart to someone. Coma state is gone and here is the new improved me…

A past girlfriend of mine from a while ago gave me a long sleeve shirt. It was the perfect size, perfect fit, just perfect. I wore it all the time and felt a sense of comfort wearing it. After a while I started to grow out of it and as I did, so did I with my relationship. We grew apart, we became different people with different paths in life. One day I was sorting through my clothes and found the shirt and with it I discovered that she has sewn to the inside of the sleeve a heart. She had always told me that I wear my heart on my sleeve too much. She wasn’t the first to say that and was certainly not the last. I like to think that I give my heart to all of my relationships. I do however realize that sometimes things are never meant to be. One day I will realize that there will be a person that I want to give my heart 100% to. It will just happen. I guess the point I am trying to make to myself and you is that it is okay to give your heart away to people. After all, at some point you are going to find a person that you can give all your love to and in return receive the same. It will happen, you just have to be patient and give a little…

“I believe, that my life’s going to see, the love I give return to me…”

- John Mayer

One thing I have noticed is that when the feeling between two people is mutual, you are just waiting for that vibration, that tone, or that light that’s going to tell you that “Hey, I was just thinking about you” or “What are you up to?”. Those are the ones you wait for when you’re sitting there thinking that the only one you want to talk to is her. Because for once, you don’t really feel like you’re making a mistake, but creating a chance to be with that person. And when you exchange conversations like you exchange breaths, then maybe that vibration, tone, or light means a little something more than what you thought…

She’s Got Hopes And She’s Got Dreams,

None Of Them It Seems With Me.

‘Cause She Drinks Her Wine And She Gets Tans,

While I Drink Beer In Clubs And Dance.

But That’s The Difference,

That’s Just The Difference…

I think the problem with people these days is that we try to hide all of our feelings towards one another. We lie, we manipulate, and worst of all, we never say just exactly what is on our minds. Truthful has become as non-existent as the truth itself. Everyone tries to keep one another happy but what does it accomplish? It is a lot of bullshit from everyone.

But in a way it all makes sense. If I were to tell that one person how I truly felt about her, and how much she really means to me, I would get one of two reactions. Obviously one good and obviously one bad. The good leaving me in a particularly comfortable situation and the other leaving me in an awkward situation. So I guess what I have just concluded is that we are afraid of 50% of the outcome. So there is the problem. We are 0% truthful to get an accurate 100% reaction when in reality or practicality we should be 100% truthful to get 50% of the expected reactions.

By looking at life strategically, I think we can analyze exactly what is going on with society. It is a world of lies, cover ups and easy way outs. The other problem is the people who create them. Us…

I want to epitomize my view on relationships of any kind. They are a two way street. With that being said, don’t expect a lot from me when you don’t give any. I am not going to waste my time working to keep a relationship alive by myself no matter what my feelings are towards the other person. It sounds harsh but time is effort and I don’t want to spend it on people that don’t deserve it. Consider this my downsize initiative from this point forward…

Sometimes you wish that things never happened. Everyone has done it at some point with some situation in their life. Maybe you wished things had turned out different with someone or you didn’t say what came to mind about someone. But we must all realize that what’s done is done and we can’t go back and change that. We all learned an invaluable lesson when we did it. I wish I had never met you, I wish we had never created a relationship, I wish it didn’t have to end the way it did, but it all did and it all happened for a reason. The problem is I can’t seem to let it go. Everything reminds me of her. Every place I visit that we visited, every song we sung. She is permanently etched into these vicious memories. I recently had a conversation with a good friend on the passing of her brother. She mentioned how she couldn’t stop thinking about him. No matter how hard she tried to forget, he would be there. After talking about it with her I realized that maybe I was in the same situation. It seems to me that when a strong relationship is severed like we both experienced, it is hard to let go because those feelings towards that person never really left. You still think about that person when you hear that song because that is your song with them. It hurts trying to forget someone because in all practicality, you are forgetting a moment in time in your life. We both are finding it hard to let go and each little memory doesn’t help. Time doesn’t heal everything. It is such a confusing phrase when it comes to people and relationships. Sure time heals a wound from a slip or a fall but time never heals the heart. I think people just learn to let go and move on. A problem my friend and I are both having. When does the heart move on and let go then? When do we realize that person is gone and not in our life anymore? When do we realize that we have moved on and those people are just memories from a time past? All these questions really have me thinking there is no definite answer but I am ready to move on. I’m not willing to compromise when I don’t need to. Maybe I can’t let it all go today but I can realize that not a single good thing came out of being with that person and I’m better for having realised where I am now and exactly what I want the next time…

I’m Still In Love With You. Always Was, Always Has Been, Always Will Be. Shit…

When things happen in life, it’s usually when you least expect it. I was caught off guard last night. I never knew something like that could happen so fast. I want to go back and relive the past. Just to see you in person again…

There’s something about the things you do. The way you smile, the way you move. The way that you walk through a room. I Can’t get it off my mind. And in the day and in the night. In the dark and in the light. In the noise and in the quiet. It happens all the time. At times when you’re not even there, I still see you everywhere. You have become the air. And everytime I breathe.

All I want. All I ever think about. All I ever dream about, is you…