Living Life As Erik...

Sometimes I get this notion or idea that I could potentially meet the girl of my dreams at the bar tonight. But then I remember that the girl of my dreams isn’t sitting at some sticky bar shooting 649’s bottoms up being hit on sketchy guys. The woman of my dreams is in bed watching a movie after a long week at work/ school. The woman of my dreams is spending time with her friends and family this weekend and not wasting it away. The woman of my dreams is waiting for that next adventure but will find her own if she has to. You see the woman of my dreams isn’t at some bar, but hopefully thinking that somewhere, somehow, I’m thinking of her too.

I tend to make a lot of something’s from nothing. Although a lot of those are negative, I tend to create a few positive somethings. Sometimes I think a vast majority comes from over thinking and I will be the first to admit my mind can run a million miles an hour on a simple thought. It’s the thought of myself turning something so simple into something so complex that frustrates me. It is unecessary and so uncalled for. I wish things could always be so simple as knowing what’s best and making a decision. I wish I could know what she was thinking so I wouldn’t have to stand here like an asshole waiting for some sort of sign. It’s hard to not think when she’s been all you have been thinking about. If she thought and felt the same way I do, then I could be creating something from nothing but until then it’s just nothing… 

For the past couple of months my heart has felt numb. I haven’t taken opportunities to give my heart to people who have tried to give me their heart. I’ve been in coma state for the longest time and although it’s helped to figure out what I want and where I am in life, I feel like a lot of that feeling is coming back because of a particular feeling towards a certain person. It’s like when your arm falls asleep and it’s numb, but when you wake it up you get that tingly feeling inside. She’s waking me up inside. I’m feeling a little vulnerable but I think it’s only natural when you want to give your heart to someone. Coma state is gone and here is the new improved me…

I was always in a way just a longshot,

I was never in the clear of that.

I am lucky just to be a potential,

But I will always make a mess of that…

A past girlfriend of mine from a while ago gave me a long sleeve shirt. It was the perfect size, perfect fit, just perfect. I wore it all the time and felt a sense of comfort wearing it. After a while I started to grow out of it and as I did, so did I with my relationship. We grew apart, we became different people with different paths in life. One day I was sorting through my clothes and found the shirt and with it I discovered that she has sewn to the inside of the sleeve a heart. She had always told me that I wear my heart on my sleeve too much. She wasn’t the first to say that and was certainly not the last. I like to think that I give my heart to all of my relationships. I do however realize that sometimes things are never meant to be. One day I will realize that there will be a person that I want to give my heart 100% to. It will just happen. I guess the point I am trying to make to myself and you is that it is okay to give your heart away to people. After all, at some point you are going to find a person that you can give all your love to and in return receive the same. It will happen, you just have to be patient and give a little…

“I believe, that my life’s going to see, the love I give return to me…”

- John Mayer

What if everything you ever wanted to see in someone was standing right in front of you and you couldn’t say or do anything about it? What if the potential was so strong that as soon as you looked into that persons eyes you could see a world of possibilities and an ulimited future? What if you knew that you couldn’t have it all because of the circumstances? The power of potential is strong but until you tell her how you really feel you are a stationary person in her life. After all, she may want you too…

I sometimes stumble upon great music that takes me to a different place. The TV is on mute, the lights are dimmed, the house is quiet and all I can here is the ambient noises of an artist I don’t know. I’ve never heard of them before but a click of a button on related videos takes you into this world that only I can describe. Soft moods, good vibes, good and bad memories. And I tune out…

Do you ever come across a memory or something that reminds you of someone and go, ”I really fucked that situation up”? Everyone does at some point. You often wonder what you could have done to change it, what could have made it turn out in your favour. If you had ten minutes to go back and change something, would you? I know I would with her. Because us meeting wasn’t by chance and I know that deep down she means anything and everything to me. The way she smiles, the way she talks and understands me, the way she listens, and the way she would drop anything and stop what she was doing just to help me or anybody as a matter of fact. I would change ten minutes to improve the three and half years since then.

As much as it is rare finding great music through related videos, it is also rare finding someone who makes you feel the way I do. I think this could be my prologue into my New Years Resolutions and Goals. In a couple of days the year will conclude and I don’t want to wake up in the morning January first knowing that everything that has gotten me to this point was a waste because it hasn’t been. It has been a great journey with lots of memories and events that will forever change my life, just like she has. Make these last few days worth it everyone…

- E.C